A common complaint that the feminazi posse has is that women are objectified in the media. Advertisements featuring scantily clad, size zero teenagers are ubiquitous. Apparently this is having a negative effect on the collective national female self-esteem. While I am in complete agreement that thirteen-year-old girls probably shouldn’t be exposed to the misleading magic of airbrushing at what is already an incredibly awkward and self-conscious age, I think grown women need to reevaluate their perceptions of ideal body size (and specifically, their defense of the “normal” size 12-14) for a second.

I think we can all agree that it seems to be harder to get a date when you’re overweight, and especially if you’re a woman. Studies have also shown that weight discrimination affects women disproportionately even in non-romantic contexts such as the workplace: http://tinyurl.com/y9zh3oa. Among CEOs at top companies, only women are harmed by being ‘merely overweight’, while male executives are actually more likely to be somewhat overweight than men of similar age in the general population. It’s important to point out that both male and female CEOs were penalized for being obese. Being obese doesn’t really say good things about your work ethic, goal attainment abilities, discipline and drive for either genders. Is this because society holds women to higher aesthetic standards as a result of media brainwashing? Maybe. Let’s play Devil’s Advocate and consider an alternative explanation.

Evolution has been acting on the human species for thousands of years. Our culture has changed at a pace that has outstripped evolutionary change. When considering how evolution might have shaped human biases, we need to focus on the environment that humans were immersed in for the first 40,000 years of their development. We’re talking hunter-gatherers loosely arranged in small band societies. Power divisions were weak and informal, decisions were reached by consensus. Social and sexual connections between individuals were the primary way to develop alliances and hierarchies –  this can still be seen with Bonobo monkeys. Even to this day, being powerful and respected leads to an abundance of the things you need to survive and thrive (food, safety, mates).

To a point, physical attractiveness in the form of symmetry and desirable features is important to both male and female status. It provides a “true” indication of an individual’s genetic quality, and being of high genetic quality is a valuable personal asset.  However, for males especially, developing power through accomplishment was key. If a man could contribute to the tribe’s safety and well-being through his ability to hunt, engage in warfare, and promote stability through social skills, other men would allow him to influence them and women looking for a mate would find him desirable. This is also somewhat true of women, which is why a woman’s personality and confidence still increase her social value. But a woman’s status was far more closely associated with her fertility. Obviously we can’t see ovaries and estrogen the way we can see a freshly-killed bear or enemy (ew). As a species we came to rely on markers of health and associated fertility: a feminine face with full lips and fine skin, nice tits and ass and a flat stomach (which indicate nulliparity – or having never had a child), good muscle tone, healthy skin and nails.

Sperm is cheap and plentiful. Eggs are expensive, and require a great deal of energy to develop into infants. This is why women choose, and men attempt to be chosen. At the same time, women prized the contributions of fathers that would increase their offsprings’ chances of survival. So what we have here is a sorting system: powerful men rise to the top of the social hierarchy because of their ability to promote a healthy environment, and beautiful women rise to the top of the social hierarchy because of their control of the best genetic and physical environment for fetal and infant development. Nearly any woman can get laid by SOMEBODY because of the natural imbalance in reproductive power. These top men and women both have their choice of mates. Obviously, everyone else would love to get with these alphas. Obviously, they’re going to pick each other, and have fit offspring, and perpetrate the cycle.

Okay, so what’s the big deal? Despite the complexity of our culture, we are all still fundamentally hairless apes. If you are a fat male CEO, it’s clear that you would still be able to provide a woman with all sorts of material comforts and social value. Although cavemen would probably have needed to be fit like Conan to achieve what a pudgy male CEO achieves now, the resulting boost to his value is the same. Unfortunately for you chubby chicks, physical attractiveness is STILL the primary way to identify how fertile a woman is. Therefore, looks are still much more important to a woman’s social value than accomplishments. If you have a Harvard MBA, it indicates genetic fitness in another way, and you’ll still get some dates. If you have a Harvard MBA and you were featured in the last Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, you are probably fending off hordes of quality eager men with pepper spray this very second. If you didn’t make it through high school and you were featured in the last Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, you are probably also fending off hordes of quality eager men. Get it?

My point is, women, you have to understand that your attractiveness is still your greatest asset. Not your only asset. Your most important asset. We are hardwired to find healthy, toned bodies attractive. If you have a healthy, toned body, you will be more attractive. I can understand that everyone has a body type, but I will guarantee to you that every body type looks better with regular, high-intensity cardio and resistance training. Let’s think carefully. Jessica Simpson during the filming of ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ (very fit!) vs. Jessica Simpson during her recent major whale phase. Katherine Heigl during Grey’s Anatomy (chubbier but still cute) vs. Katherine Heigl in The Ugly Truth (fit and super-hot). Obviously the DNA hasn’t changed, but it’s clear that with a toned body, a pretty girl can become a knockout. An ugly or average girl can effectively blind men to her genetic inferiority. Anything that you can do to improve your physical attractiveness will improve your social value disproportionately. I’m not going to go into what the evolutionary ideal of beauty is;  just google fertility goddess Scarlett Johansson. It always cracks me up when women go on about how Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 and still attractive. Hello, vanity sizing? Marilyn’s 16 in the ‘50s is more like a 6 or small 8 today. So, yeah, she’s still a perfect size 6. And yeah, she used to work out. With weights.

I know that some of you are shaking your head, thinking “oh, I’m big-boned” or “girl, I have some sort of metabolic syndrome X that makes me fat”. If you can wrap your thumb and finger around your wrist, you’re small –boned. If you nearly can, you’re medium-boned. If you’re big-boned, I’d like to point out that fat is fat, not some sort of jiggly bone type, so you can still look hot. If you have a metabolic syndrome or insulin resistance or whatever, stop whining and stop eating so many processed carbs (which our bodies are most definitely not designed to handle).

If you are the 0.5% of women that actually has a medical condition that seriously affects your weight, then I apologize. You’re still screwed though, socially speaking.

The women’s lib movement brought us a lot of freedom. Freedom to work, freedom to stop shaving our legs and checking our lipstick, freedom to travel and have our own hobbies. The freedom to forge our own paths; to be the actor rather than the acted upon. We’ve come a long way since women would rely on their charm and beauty to ensnare that stable provider to take care of them in perpetuity. But somehow, over time, women developed the misconception that men do not appreciate female moodiness, changeability, indecisiveness, and above all, our obsession with all things aesthetic (what I’m saying here is, our natural vanity!). This is way off base. It’s true that guys aren’t into shallow, insecure, clingy psycho bitches. But in relationships, men crave the kind of emotional liberation and balance they achieve by being with a woman who is achingly responsive to her surroundings, yet strong. A woman who is incredibly feminine and beautiful, but also self-aware and poised and pointedly not CRAZY.

These are challenging concepts to explain, but I’ll give it a shot.

An irresistable woman is aware of her power over men. She revels in the the knowledge that men find her attractive or at least fascinating and will take great care to enhance this effect through careful selection of clothing, makeup, hairstyle, and maintenance routine. She doesn’t do this out of fear that men will lose interest if she doesn’t, but from a deep personal satisfaction in knowing that she looks her best. In the morning, she dresses for herself. Maybe she’d like to dress a bit sexy today. Or sometimes be adorable, or innocent, or classic. Well, she’s always going to look a bit sexy regardless, since she approaches this with a playfulness that drives guys crazy. An irresistable woman is supremely confident, and even if she’s got a temporary case of the Capote mean reds, she knows that she’s awesome. This is why she’s never overdone. Why drown the lily in gilding? Plus, at some point, even the vainest women get bored of painting their nails and curling their hair – - and the irresistable woman does nothing that she doesn’t want to do, at least on some level. When an irresistable woman knows that she looks fantastic, men can sense this too. Okay yes, she also actually looks fantastic, but the point is this is 70% confidence alone, including the confidence to wear fresh-faced J.Crew from head to ankle, and then throw on a pair of fuck-me pumps to run to the grocery store. So generally, men LOVE vain women, but only when we’re vain for ourselves because we enjoy the pampering and self-love. Not when we shove it in their faces or spill our secret vanities all over the place.

A caveat: vanity can’t be your only focus. Obviously, there are things in life that are more important (education, work, family, friends) and you need to grow these areas as well. And really, if you’re at all intelligent and well-rounded, you should be naturally interested in all of the above. You can’t be one-dimensional. But you can’t neglect your natural tendency to preen a little bit.

Secondly, men love capricious women. One of the things that men consistantly rank as a hugely sexy attribute is a women’s ability to be mysterious. We think we agree, but what we actually want is a man who will be independent and yet dependable. A truly independent man is always slightly mysterious, since he’s got his own thing going on that doesn’t always include us, and certainly doesn’t revolve around us. The fact of the matter is, men are generally slow to really fall in love, and slow to really fall out of love, because they’re not as mood-driven. Women, on the other hand, can feel love or hate or digust or passion or be bored with or fascinated by a man in turns for no particular reason except she’s PMSing or whatever, and when she feels these things it’s often to the exclusion of the things that she felt just last week, or a month ago. At least, until the next mood strikes. Today, women have been trained to keep all these emotions dampened, to be reasonable. What men really want, is to live vicarously through our passions. Really, it’s not far off to say that all a guy needs to be pretty happy is a game on TV, a beer, and a blowjob. They never experience the heights, but they don’t experience the depths either. By living closer to the bone, women draw men out of their lonely, reasonable little islands, and allow them to feel passionately as well. When we’re happy, our mood is contagious and men delight in being drawn in. When we hate passionately, or are bored, they feel a passionate need to win our love again so that they can bask in the joyful, adorable, playful things we do when we’re happy. This is true whether we’re feeling deeply about a movie, a book, a place, or a person…. even a particular dish at our favorite restaurant … because then we feel alive and so do men. However, we shouldn’t talk endlessly about these feelings. The key is to ACT on them. This is what game has borrowed … call her less, fake disinterest, help create comfort, treat her like a sweet little girl to assert your dominance. Naturally, when we’re bored, we call a little bit less. We focus on other things. When we’re feeling interested, we listen avidly to every word a man says. When we’re feeling naughty or horny, we have crazy sex or loving sex, or whatever. When we’re not, we cut them off. This is a woman’s birthright, and something she does naturally. But (and this is important) throughout it all she’s still got her pride, so I am not approving of psycho meltdowns. If you’re feeling negatively, just stay away from him, unless you think he can make you feel better by being protective or offering a solution. Guys love feeling needed… sometimes. If it’s his fault, for God’s sake let the guy know in a way that maintains your dignity, and THEN stay away from him. Go do the other things that make you feel better instead.

Look, this shit totally fucks with a guy’s head, because he likes to think that he’s always in control. Not even close. He’s usually in control of his surroundings, but he can never be in control of his woman, because she’ll never be in full control of her emotions. This is the secret to a woman’s mystery. An irresistable woman with confidence and passion, but who is selective about the types of things that she shares and prefers to communicate subtly, through her actions (because hello, when did we lose all dignity in North America?) is an utterly mysterious and entrancing woman to these poor, simple men. Our allure lies nearly entirely in our femininity.

And, by the way, this is why French women are notoriously irresistible.